Robits

Hello future and past Ivys... Well I'm sitting in my apartment watching "Princess Mononoke" on Patrick's laptop. I'm pretty fucking baked... Just downloaded this app because I wanted to check out Rachel's fashion blog and the "Hyperbole and a Half" blog. I obviously got distracted... But by way of a life status I will tell you: I'm working at Plato's Closet in training to be a key holder. It's basically assistant manager. I'm living with Patrick & Michael. Michael's a giant dick to me and I have no idea why. But things with Patrick are of course perfect. About three and a half months now. I fully intend to marry him. I know I've said it too many times now for anyone else to believe me but that's why I'm addressing myself. He's perfect, Ivy. He loves me almost as much as I love myself. He's drop-dead gorgeous with the perfect beard and quiet but he says what he means to. He's crazy smart and works two jobs to afford child support. Poor thing :( He's 23. Oh, and a DJ ;) he goes by Cu3bone. He loves skulls... Hopefully I'll be going to college in the fall. My main worry is transportation and whether Patrick will be transferred to San Antonio next April. I don't think there's a Plato's in San Antonio :( Ummm my brother lives in Brenham and his cat just had kittens. Still doesn't answer my calls but I get updates through my mom. I don't really have my own friends, just apartment friends and work friends... Hard to explain but they're just not really my friends. I sort of stopped smoking recently but as with now I like to try it every once in awhile. Sometimes I like it and sometimes I don't... I released my guinea pig back into the wild and I feel bad every time I think about it. I could never have children... But speaking of, Patrick's son Jake apparently adores me. His grandparents like me too. Dunno about his dad and step mom. Would it be weird to send them a copy of the picture of Pat & Jake with "It was lovely to meet you all (:" on the back? I mean I do have his grandparents' address and phone number... But how to print the picture... Anywho I don't suppose there's much else to say... Ciao!~

She's a Mess

You read it, huh? Well, how about this? I want to rip your girlfriend's head off. I WOULD want to rip YOUR head off, but that would go against my friggin heart, all attached to you, screaming for mercy, but you're always there in front of me... Actually, you're not. It's just the mist of what was once happiness. My mind, heart, soul, ability to love... has always been consumed by you. Since the first time I saw you, something inside told me I needed to know you. Needed to find out why.... Why you're the only thing that never fails to melt my core. But there's only one way this will stop. Only one way... sigh...........................................................................................................

hesitation
frustration
I'm meant to be a demonstration
but you're still in that celebration
and I'm left with naught but
frustration.
frustration.

hatred.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
...

Not for a Christian girl.

That's all I see, is that I'm wrong. Everything I do is wrong. Every thought inside this stupid little head...

Stupid boy...

Please, just let me know that you don't love me. (Why am I saying all this?) Just tell me you don't care, and I'll start letting go. Maybe... Hopefully... Hopefully I can let go, eventually. No. I will. I WILL.

sigh...

Shut up, stupid little girl. No one's listening. No one cares... <sigh> >sigh< <sigh>

slitting my throat is all I ever think about
those wrists are just in reach
always there, taunting me
haunting me in my sleep
these nightmares never cease
demons, busses, red paper, phantoms, Chinese horror films, paper, paper, paper............................................................................................................................................

only one way to say it
nightmares.

but also...
dreams from the deep
nighttime insanity
chemical hate
dormant mental unleashing...

And I still haven't lost control
Somehow, He holds me through it all. He shoulders my cares, my worries, all the human beings I wish he'd destroy...................................................................................

no.

Not for a Christian girl.
Live a demonstration.
Yeah, right.